Definitions For Parents

Given that last Sunday was Mother's Day and Father's Day is around the corner, it seems appropriate to offer these definitions used by experienced parents: AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have kids again. DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside. DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins. DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are perfect even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a bad word. INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings. PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a mop."